A guide to the critics!
17.02.2007
sung to the tune of Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be pundits
Don't let them mouth off when they're out of touch
Make'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be pundits
they'll never shut up and they'll show themselves up
'specially with someone they envy
I thought it might be a good moment to begin work on a guide to the critics. There are several flavours that you commonly see operating in the media and on the messageboards with regards to David Beckham. I will leave it up to you to identify what species of critic you are dealing with :-
1. The "I used to be a football player and I'm not bad looking so how come I'm not as rich and famous as that little git" critic
2. The "I'm really really smart and my mother said I was special and I got great grades on my A Levels and I was meant to be doing something really important with my life by now and instead I'm a poorly paid journo...sob...hic....gurgle" critic
3. The "I don't remember my mother because I only ever saw the nanny until I went to boarding school but I can tell you that in my day people born in Leytonstone knew their place and didn't go getting above their station in life" critic
4. The "No one knows me name cos I've been called Moose for so long now even I've forgotten it. I drink beer and then I smash the can against me forehead and any bloke who wears a sarong should be shot" critic
5. The "All the girls I know just wanna be "friends" and they all go on about Beckham being super fit and how he scored in 3 world cups and I haven't "scored" since Thatcher was Prime Minister" critic
6. The "My missus thought it was alright for a bloke to live in tracky pants and smell of crisps till that b'stard came on the scene, now she thinks I should make an effort, damn that squeaky clean pretty boy celebrity" critic
There are many more flavors feel free to add your own to comments and I will update the guide!.